I don’t know if that would be the right wording? Maybe it is because I haven’t been sleeping very well. Maybe it’s because my birthday is coming up, 36th, but I have both had the realisation that life will end at some point and that was just a “oh no, but I don’t want to stop existing” moment as well as a “what exactly have I accomplished??”
I remember when in my twenties someone asked what do you want to do when you “grow up” and I would always say I don’t know and I was thinking I would figure it out as I got older… well, surprise, I still don’t have a bloody clue of what I want to be when I “grow up”.. and I assume 36 is grown up?
So I was baking my birthday cake last night (because I want to be one of those people who can bake their own f’n cakes) and instead of coming out as a great cake it was too light, the filling was too loose and it just ended up like a pile of pancake…and I started to cry because I just felt like I couldn’t get anything right. I can’t bake a cake, I don’t have a career, I can’t ride horses well even if I have been doing it my whole life, I can’t take photos well enough to actually do anything with it etc etc etc. I just felt worthless.
And I felt the “I’m just a stay at home mum”…and lately I didn’t feel like a very good one either. Constantly angry and annoyed, tired and annoyed. But I love it. I love that I can be home with my kids. Even if I feel like pulling my hair out and my jaws are sore from clenching my teeth in annoyance and by the end of the day feeling I could have done so much better. And every morning I wake up and I try to be better. And sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t.
So after this unnecessary meltdown for no obvious reason I concluded that if I can’t lower my standards for what I do or my expectation or I can’t live with the result not being exactly how I want and it makes me feel this bad, then don’t do it. Next time I’ll just buy a cake. And rather concentrate on the things I can improve and be good at. Like parenting. And photography.
Murunmesta 